I've posted this question Before. Is this a good beginning to my book? It's a very rough draft. I'm only 15.?
13 Vale Street Chapter One Two boys sat on the stony gray curb of Vale Street. One was obviously bigger, his belly sat contently on his meaty thighs. He was nursing a badly scabbed knee that was bleeding considerably. The clotted blood looked like an over ripened tomato mashed up on his knee. Blood dripped from his mouth in a slow stream. The other kid who was sitting next to him. Mitch was in stark contrast to the other boy Albert. He had a thin pale face that looked like Swiss cheese. His chicken bone arms lay quietly together in his lap. His sandy fine hair was stuck to his scalp in a sticky mess of soda pop that one of the kids had thrown over him. The two friends now sat, Mitch was chewing gum like a cow chewing its cud, which he had bought down at the corner store. They had tried to avoid the kids on their way back. The ones that teased them calling them ‘gay’ or ‘fatty pork chops and stick figure boy’ and other obscenities which were the normal for the two boys each day. They had met Jacob and his crew outside the shop, he was the leader of the gang that bullied and harassed them, he was a greasy teen with rotten teeth that looked like they were covered with some exotic green moss. Him and his thuggish friends sat smoking and drinking soda pop, most likely purchased from the very shop Albert and Mitch had just left. “Why look who it is†Jacob had said mockingly. “It’s Porky Pig and Pencil boy, out on a little stroll†Jacob said sitting up. He pitched his cigarette into the grass where it lay still peacefully burning. The smoke rising listlessly into the air where it then disappeared. “C’mon†Mitch said as he grabbed Albert’s shirt to guide him away. “Oh look boys, Mitchy wants to be alone with the pig†Jacob laughed at his joke. His friends behind him laughed to, and made vulgar oinking noises. Mitch turned around quickly as if stung. Jacob flinched momentarily he didn’t expect the hate and defiance in Mitch’s dull brownie hazelnut eyes. He quickly gained his composure and he used his snake like tongue to deliver more criticism. “This little piggy went to the candy store to buy some candy†Jacob said mockingly. Mitch had to bite back a smile at Jacob’s immature and out dated taunts. “Don’t you mean this big piggy?†Jacob’s best friend Zach said stepping forward. Albert stared shyly and fearfully at the ground as if he saw something of out most interest there that he couldn’t take his eyes off for nothing. “What you got to say, huh?†Zach said. As he walked arrogantly over to Albert. Zach bent down to look at Alberts sweaty red face that looked like a lovely big red shiny apple. “Talk to me fatty†Zach said with menace. He started poking Albert repeatedly with his free hand, the other was holding his can of soda pop some of the drink sloshed onto his forearm. Albert flinched at the touch of Zach’s fingers digging into his meaty belly. After every poke their was a slight pain in his belly because of Zach’s sharp finger nails. It felt like Zach was prodding him with a sharp pencil rather than his fingers. Zach’s ambition was to incite Albert into taking action. Albert murmured something that was to low to hear even with Zach pressing against his face. “What was that fatty?†Zach inquired gleefully. Standing upright once again. The crowd of boys made a semi circle around Albert and Mitch. There was silence. A far off car backfired down the block. It’s echo sounded like pistol shot in the still afternoon air. Mitch stared intently at Albert. He felt his friend’s mind churning for a comeback. Something that would break Zach’s cheeky dog like grin. Albert let a long sigh of hate or maybe it was fear. Mitch didn’t know which and he didn’t care. Because Albert’s neck craned agonizingly slowly upwards. He finally stared into Zach’s eyes with bitter and weary contempt. Like he had just lost a card game for the umpteenth time against the same opponent. Albert then licked his lips and spoke strongly, “If you are so tough†Albert paused momentarily and quickly scanned the scene. Four older boys smoking and all with bad reputations grinning like Cheshire cats right back at him. Waiting for him to falter, to fall to his knees pleading like a worshipper to his God. He did neither. Instead he continued still in that political strong tone. “Why don’t you clip your nails? Are you trying to be a drag queen or something? When you going to paint them, is your mummy going to help?†After Albert finished his small speech. Mitch let out a strangled laugh. Albert smiled radiantly at his friend. The two were in it for the long haul now. Zach stood stunned, he stared blankly at Albert. Never in his life had any one talked back to him or insulted him. A bitter rage began to build up in his body. His face began to take on the colour of a bright strawberry. “I’ll kill you†Zach said quietly through pursed lips. It was a wonder that he could even speak. His free hand was mechanically clenching and unclenching. His hand that wa holding his soda pop jerked out and it’s contents spewed all over Mitch’s hair. The action was robotic. His arm still was out stretched in the air like someone had hit the pause button and that this was a movie. Eventually his paralysis broke. “Quick Jacob make him pay†Zach said and then he spat a mixture of sticky sweet soda pop and salty saliva into Albert’s face and eyes. Albert was temporarily blinded by Zach’s spit. Jacob lumbered towards Albert like an ape. Albert had time to see, a large figure collapse on top of him. The wind was knocked from his lungs and he lay gasping for breath on the warm pavement like a fish out of water. Then all at once the gang of boys took advantage of Alberts defenceless state and they began to kick him repeatedly. There was a splintery snap as no doubt Zach’s raw hide boots connected brutally with Alberts gaping cave like mouth. Albert let out a cry of pain. “Hey what do you think your doing?†Mr McGrath yelled as he ran out of his shop. The door b There's more to it. But i can't put in. Oh well. Yeah. I haven't edited that well. Also it's not a childrens book. I did say that there's way more to this than what is there on the screen. I just can't put it all on. I do go to school. And I'm good at it! You cant judge people like that. Jeez.
Books & Authors - 3 Answers
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1 :
It is true that i can't help you to answer your question, however, i want to express to what a great degree it is primary that you attend school.
2 :
The detail is pretty good. But what is this a children's book? And how does someone talk when their lips are pursed? I'm baffled.
3 :
usually, at the start of a novel, there would be descriptions when you're introducing something new. i applaud you that you've done that for most of the people, except jacob and his gang. tell us what they look like or perhaps, just jacob and zach. you should also describe what vale street looks like - does it look environmental? or is it more of an urban setting where there are street gangs and whatnot? what else? umm... when it comes to dialogue, you move to the next line whenever a new person is speaking. it doesnt matter how much room you've got left on that line - go to the next line regardless if there's a new speaker. that way, it doesn't seem bunched up and thats one of the reasons why i didnt read it first - it was too confusing but i eventually did read it. :) check for punctuation and some grammatical errors as well; there's bound to be some. since this is going to be the first chapter of your novel, the first sentence has got to be gripping. a sentence that motivates me to read on. you havent realli done that, but i still read it anyway. i gave it a chance. anyway, clean this up; theres still a lot you need for improvement but i think you've got a potential to write more. you certainly have the determination and the persistence to write. good luck! :)
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