Is this a good beginning?
This is just the beginning of a book i'm writing, but it's not finished yet. prolouge-Emerald eyes On June seventeenth, at exactly the stroke of midnight, a baby girl weighing eight pounds and six ounces, with her feternal twin was born to Michael and America Mendler. Two proud parents, already mother and father to many. Matthew, Maxamillion, Michael, Athena, Arena, Jerimiah and Josphia. The year was 1998 at Edwards Hospital in Naperville, Illinois. Two nurses held uo the twins, side by side, both wrapped in pink. The other twin was asleep, but the other was wide awake. Ger eyes were wide with wonder, her eyes bright and clear, a smile on her gace. Her blanket couldn't restrain her tiny arms and skinny little hands. A small whisp of blond hair was sticking up on her head. Her eyes lashes were black, despite her blond hair. Her skin was a bright shade of ivory, there was no color in her cheeks or the rest of her. The nurses were baffled by the one twin's excited behavior and weir features but relieved by the other twin's normal behavior. One twin would drink formula, the abnormal twin would only drink fat free milk mixed with warm honey. One twin clung to both her parents, the other wanted only her dad. One woke up every hour or so, the other slept through the night. One twins teeth were soft and milky colored, the others were strong and white, adult teeth. They weren't sharp or jagged, like a person might think they'd be. And this child, she was curious, bright, sweet and wild. "What shall you name them?"A nurse asked, passing the demanding, abnormal twin to her father as another passed the normal, sweet little twin to her mother. "I haven't got a clue."Michael said, rocking his baby girl slowly, trying to lull her to sleep, but it didn't work. Failed attempt number....ten? To lull her to sleep. The other twin, the normal twin, was fast asleep in her mothers arms. The mother slowly rocked the baby in her arms, giving the abnormal twins name some thought. She came up with a name when she saw a flower through the window, by a pond. It was a water lily. and it was beautiful. "Lily Belle."America said out loud. The baby girl clapped her hands and squealed in her fathers arms. And then the mother sighed and to her normal baby, "Laurel Whyte." Soon after, the twins were being passed from child to child in the Mendler family. Lily dazzled everyone. But they dazzled her, too. Being dazzled while dazzling. Everyone loved Lily but Lily loved everyone, too. She loved her father the most. Soon after Lily and Laurel were born, at the age of one month, Lily and her family moved to Copenhogden, Denmark. The family lived there for four long years, until a tragedy struck the family. Michael dissapeared one day while fishing on the families boat in the ocean. they moved after a year of searching for him. They set up searches in the near country, Sweden. Also in other countries like, Germany, Switzerland, France. The family soon gave up and America moved everyone to Kansas where they started a farm. The other's didn't like to work, but Lily did. Working up from feeding chickens, to brushing and taking horses, to repainting fences and mailboxes and picking and planting in the garden. When Lily reached the age of twelve, another tragedy struck her life. Her mother died in a car crash with her friends parents. Flatt Quenn, Jeliah Mixx, Jazmin Young, Cedric Yorkk and his baby sister, Rukai Yorkk were also left parentless. But let's begin this story on June seventeen, five thirty in the morning. Was that a good beginning? leave answers to let me know!
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1 :
Wow it's totally a good beginning! But i think you should do it the way you like it... I'm writing myself a book, I'm 14 years old, and it doesn't looks even a little bit like this opening you have there. It's a great introduction for what's about to happen. Quite interesting i should say. Good luck with that book of yours and keep on it, I think it's going to be really good.
2 :
It's a really interesting idea but right away I'm curious about why the parents have so many children. It might get confusing to tell them all apart later. You could edit the first two sentences together. For instance (and I don't think you need 'exactly') Also, are both twins girls? You mean fraternal. No need to mention the weight unless it's a detail that will come out later. Too much description bogs it down. 'On June 17, 1998 at the stroke of midnight, fraternal baby girls were born to Michael and America Mendler. (any reason the reader needs to know the name of the hospital?) Two nurses held the twins side by side, both wrapped in pink. One (the other and the other?) was asleep, but the other was wide awake with eyes full of wonder (newborn babies can't smile, sorry.) A small whisp of blond hair was sticking up on her head although her lashes were black. (bright shade of ivory? Consider revising. It doesn't make sense) At this point I think you should name the twins so when you refer from one to the other the reader will know who you mean. If this is 1998, don't say 'shall.' It's old fashioned. Edit all the stuff describing them way down and *please* don't use the word dazzling over and over. I had a Twilight flashback. Not good. Tell the story in as few words as possible. For instance When they were one month old, the family moved to Copenhogden, Denmark. Simple. Then you flash forward four years, so that seems to happen too fast and then they move again. It's confusing. One move is enough. Then Lily is twelve? slow it down a little. Then there's another tragedy and then you say 'let's begin?' The Mom dying seems like overkill and the story's already begun so you don't need that. Keep working on it and good luck!
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